The · Degradation · of · the · Mind

It's been an utter vacuum since I got here. And when I say vacuum, I really mean it. Asides from running around trying to whore myself to the nearest electronics megastore in the greater Walnut Creek-Concord area I've managed to learn everything there is to know about the inner workings of empires lost, Rome and Persia especially. Other than that, I have found myself completely bored. Which is perhaps the last thing I expected to be when I arrived here, but I suppose since it's the last summer of high school and what with most of us going off to college jobs and such which give the cash monies are of course paramount. Just looking at Brendan's work schedule kind of hammered the point home for me. The boy works from about 11 in the morning till the same hour at night on most weekdays. At a movie theatre, selling tickets. God that must be boring. Kid's in my prayers, I think he needs it. Anyway, if any of y'all wanna hang, just give me a holler. Seriously, I'm free. Every day, all day. I'm like the human weather channel. Jesus

Yes kids that's right I butchered a Beatles song with the title. Get over it. Love those Beatles. McCartney actually split with his wife recently, I don't know if you guys hear about it over here. Big story in Britain. I mean, like the Queen turning out to be a lesbian big. Even though that would never happen, it would be pretty big if it did. I haven't put an actual entry in here in forever, or at least close to forever.

Today children, I will muse on the values and pitfalls of friendship. Of which, I am sure you are aware of, there are many. Values will be the start of our program this evening. There have been many brilliant men who have discussed the meanings and criteria of the "True Friend" and what I've found after perusing their thoughts is that a "True" one boils down to a singular quality that while it seems ridiculously simple is in fact one of the most difficult things in this Google World to find. I'm sure more than a few of us have found ourselves reeling when a person we thought was a "True Friend" suddenly whirls around and spews forth words and prejudices against you that you find yourself shocked. Awed, even. I, personally have never been in the habit of making a lot of "friends" I enjoy more often the company of aquintances. And I have no idea if I spelled that right. But what I found in England, much to my surprise, were people I could be "True Friends" with. These were people who had gone through what I had, who had experienced the myriad of rollercoaster ride expatriat culture shocks. People who understood why I was the way I was. And it happened instantly. Not to say that my friends in the States are anything but understand and compassionate. They know me, or at least some of them do, better than I know myself. But they will never fully grasp me, and it took them a long time to get as far as they have. In England, I was surprised that I could be exactly as I was and I was still accepted. Such is the nature of "True Friends", of course there were rows and arguments over things but they always ended up resolving themselves in the end, the other parties were always willing to hear the others side.
And now I have returned, I have come back to the place that I once found myself wishing night after night I had never left. And now, when my mind escapes my grasp for a few moments I find myself wishing that I had never come back. This place is no longer home to me, in the same way that England never became home. It's hard to quantify with words, but the feeling of belonging neither here, nor there. It's tough. And I knew, as I flew about 33,000 feet over the Earth's surface hovering somewhere above Greenland, I knew that it would be tough. I knew that I would think quite frequently about all the "True Friends" I had met and made in England but I consoled myself that I would at least have some "True Friends" to make the transition back to America easier.
It seems I was only half right.

*yawn*

Ga-Jesuz. I swear to God, I've never spent that much time in airports. EVER. And I'm a child of the sky. London to Chicago, Chicago to Cedar Rapids, Cedar Rapids to Dallas Fort Worth, Dallas Fort Worth to Portland, Portland to Chicago and then Chicago to London. BY THE GLORY OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, it's been a quick week. Went to Iowa City to check out University of Iowa which was a lot better than I expected. I mean A LOT better. I had pretty much made up my mind that I would be going to Lewis & Clark regardless of how much wear and tear my Hippy Stick was going to have to go through if I did. But I was terribly impressed with the place, spacious dorms, nice small city feel, great bookstores. And even better coffee. Nothin' on Pete's but still, pretty fuckin' good. Hence the dilemna. I've since seen L&C as well which was equally as impressing albeit on different levels. Loved Portland, it was like a small version of London but without a bunch of Pakistanis and punks walkin' around. Crazy hobos mostly took their place, people smoke a lot there too it seems, which is fine. This equal match presents me with a serious dilemna though. Which do I choose? University of Iowa with it's stellar writing program, spacious dorms, and out of the way setting? Or L&C with it's big city, serene breathtaking Northwest landscape, practically brand new facilities and a support base of people I already know i.e. my cousin? BAH, I guess the hardest choices are the ones we know will affect our lives in great ways. This being a decision that will effect the next four years of my life is obviously a big decision. And I can't help but think...will I make the right one? I'm leaning towards L&C at the moment just because it seems that it would provide a more insulated, personal undergraduate experience for me to hone my skills and my love of English but I can't help but think, what would passsing up the opportunity of the Iowa Writers mean? Would it lessen my chances of getting into the Graduate Program which is my eventual goal...

Tough. Isn't it?

In lighter news, for anyone who cares I suppose. I've managed, through coercion, trickery or some kind of dark magicks, to wrangle myself a new girlfriend. Whether she's terribly insane, or just doesn't know me that well has yet to be determined. One thing I can say for certain is that she does all those little things that I've so craved over the past few years to be a recipient of and for that if nothing else, I'm falling for her. Her name's Monica, oddly enough she was born in Oakland, same town as me. Small world right? If you want to get a picture portrait of her personality (say that five times fast) imagine my personality and then switch it for the complete opposite and opposing force. That's the general idea.

Upon some introspection as well as a tablespoon of sugar and inspiration. I have decided to finally set down into the digital stream of consciosness that is the internet the Universal and Unofficial Code of Highschool. This will include basic school life, relationships, friendships etc. I was gonna do a set number, but I'm just gonna see what hits me and go for it. If you don't agree with any of them, perhaps you're not in the right highschool and if that's true you will most likely amount to nothing. Hey, hey, hey, don't blame me, blame the terrorists.

1) Your friends no matter how nice they are to you, will always annoy you the fuck off at some point. This is a blip, a phase, don't sweat it. Unless the kind of annoyance they provide is the type that causes the voices to come back and then by all means do what the people in your head are requesting. It will get them to stop.

2) Your gym teacher is always a douchebag. This is as true as the sky is blue and unicorns are awesome. It is my children, an undeniable fact of existence. DEAL. There may be tales of non-douchie gym teachers that people tell. These people are liars and communists, they also rape puppies. If you listen to them you're condoning the rape of puppies and you wouldn't want to do that. WOULD YOU?

3) Always choose dick over chick. Now this may sound gross if you're a guy, but seriously, it's not meant to be. If you choose your girlfriend over your friends, prepared to be really fucking lonely after she dumps your ass right before prom and none of your old friends will hang with you because you missed the pre-game show at Will's house.

4) Your best friend will inevitably date someone that is as bad for them as the Israelis are for the Palestinians. Your job as 'official best friend' is to pound that fact into their head as often as possible until they finally get wise and dump her/his ass. Your job may be made harder if they are getting what is commonly refered to as 'The Sex', but stay vigilant. You'll get there. A tip : Get them REALLY drunk, then infer that said girlfriend/boyfriend is no good for them. After this all you have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks

5) At some point, two of your friends will date. Your job as mutual friend is to stay the fuck out of any argument they may have because if anything bad should happen, they will and they have every right to (at least in their mind) blame you. Also, after the inevitable breakup do not let yourself be forced to choose between the two parties. This is a trap, you can't win. It's a lot like the 'Does this 'article of clothing' make me look fat?' There is no right answer. This of course assumes that the breakup was messy, but c'mon, there always messy. Some people speak of amicable breakups with mutual consent. This is bullshit, and the people who tell these fanciful tales are high as fuck on PCP and Viagra, they are also communists. And everyone knows that communists lie whenever they open they're mouth.

6) If you cut yourself, it's tragic. Really I'm sorry that you feel such enormous pain that you have to hurt yourself to feel better. If you cut yourself and then show it off, it's attention-whoring and about as cool as asking someone to give you a full body waxing while getting sucked off by a monkey. Don't do it. Seriously.

7) 'Let's just be friends' is a dirty lie perpetuated by Al-Queda to make every guy want to kill themselves because of the awkward situations that the sentence creates. They are currently developing a more potent breakup sentence that encapsulates this idea, 'I'm breaking up with you at the worst possible time, when you need me the most, this is meant to cause the maximum amount of negative effect on your emotional state as possible. But I don't really care. Also I think you smell funny and you kiss like an octopus. I would also speculate that no one will ever care about you. Ever.' So far they've come up with something relatively close. "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way."

8) If drama is not present, drama will create itself, for it's own sake. For instance, say you're chilling having a drink with some friends. Unbeknownst to you, drama is secretly being brewed under the surface. This will come into effect when you least expect it, probably when you groggily enter school on Monday morning. If nothing actually happens, don't worry. Someone will blow something that you said or did, so out of proportion, you'll look like fucking Caligula.

9) Within your group of friends no matter how close you all are, there is ALWAYS someone you bitch about when they aren't there. And whenever you go out, they will always show up unannounced. There are three ways you can deal with this situation. A) Strangle them, this leaves you open to state prosecution so I wouldn't recommend it. The upside is that if you don't plan it, they can only get you on Murder 2. B) Make increasingly scathing comments at the expense of the person's self-confidence. Hopefully you can erode it so much that they'll leave in tears. C) Take every opportunity that they're not in earshot to bitch about them. If all goes well, you'll rile up your other friends so much that they'll burn the person at the stake in a fit of mob-like fury.

10) Your English teacher will always be either the first or second coolest teacher you know. He will not act like the other teachers. He will be unto a God compared to the rest of that lowly rabble. There's actually a course in college that English teachers take so they can become this cool, it's called "Keepin' It Real 107" The prerequisites are two semesters in philosophy and one in sociology. Seriously, ask your teacher. He'll either give you an evasice answer, or make a joke. That's how you know if they're lying.

11) No matter how much people tell you different, teaching math past the eighth grade is useless to people who don't want to explore a profession that uses advanced calculus and complex algorithms. Math in highschool wastes moments of your life that you will never get back. The teachers, the administration, the government, they know this but they continue anyway because they believe it builds character.

12) If anyone asks you where a country is on a map and it isn't in the Third World or somewhere in the South Pacific, You are allowed to make fun of them for the next week, every chance you get. It's in the Constitution. Look it up.

13) If you've never fallen in love and want to know what it feels like. Follow these three easy steps. First, find a large kitchen knife and put it above the stove. Second, turn the stove on and wait until the blade heats up and it turns a orange-ish red. If you've gotten bright red, like scarlet or something, you've gone to far and you're gonna have to start over. Lastly, take the red hot knife and shove it in every conceivable place you can think of on your body. After you eventually come to, you'll be left with a sick, searing pain. That's more or less what it feels like to be in love. Oh and don't worry about the stab wound the heat of the knife cauterizes it so it doesn't bleed.

14) Understand your friends before you have qualms with them. If you have a sarcastic friend, you have to deal with the fact that he's sarcastic. If you've got a horny friend you're gonna have to deal with the fact that she's horny. If you've got a hyper friend, you're gonna have to deal with the fact that she's hyper. If you've got a religious friend, you're gonna have to deal with the fact that he's religious. Are you seeing where I'm going with this. Don't get mad if say, your religious friend asks you if you've found Jeus and invites you over for a Bible Study class, don't fuss about it. That's the way he is, you shoulda known that when you became friends with him and it's your fault if you don't like it now. It's a bit late in the fuckin' game.

15) It is inevitable that your ex will date someone after you. Kind of like Hitler taking over Germany, it was gonna happen. Anyway, you're job as resident ex, is to make the newcomer feel welcome, while secretly sabotaging the relationship with some of these famous one-liners. "Hey did you hear about Rich and that Kelsey chick? Talk about kinky!" Or "Oh hi Becky, oh ya, hey was that Megan leaving Planned Parenthood?" Don't actually say it to your ex but make sure they can hear it. It'll work wonders.

16) People tend to repeat jokes that they hear. This is especially true with highschoolers. This is fine to a point, however there are two lines that can be crossed and once crossed you can tear into them. The first line is if they pretend they made it up. That's not cool and you can go for it right there, the best possible action is shoving a load of bullshit in there face, it's kind of ironic. You'll get a laugh out of it. The second is if they repeat it so often it become akin to taking a breath with them. At that point it's your full right to slap them in the face and warn them that if they don't stop. They're going to go to hell.

17) There are people that are nothing but a waste of your precious time and energy. These include, show-offs, high-brow art students, women who don't like giving blow jobs and people who ask to many questions.

18) There will always be people who find the time to put together long lists of random things that they think are important or applicable as a general rule for life. This happens in highschool as well as the real world, though not so much in carnivals. The Rule of Camels applies there and I don't pretend to be too informed about. Anyway, these list-making people are insane and shouldn't be paid any attention because they are slowly descending into madness.

This weekend has been in, at least to me, the weekend of funerals.

Wes has gone back to Virginia for his grandmother and grandfather's funerals. Burying one grandparent is hard, I know. But burying two? in the same week? I'd have to say that's probably as emotionally devastating as you can get. I pray for them, him and his family. As much grief as I give him, he is a good kid and it's hard losing the people you love. I'd like to be able to crack a joke but I just can't think of one for the occassion. There goes gallows humor right?

Lorno having to bury her aunt too, I didn't know any of these people personally but I always find that when I know someone's died I start to wish I had. The world's lost three great people that's for certain. I also feel that it's certain that they are in a better place now, far from the cares of this world, free from it's worries and wants and desires, finally allowed to live in blissful unadulterated happiness. Call me a Jesus Freak if you want, but I think that God is taking care of them now and if anyone knows how to do it right it's Him.

If there is any comfort to be found in death. It's there.

AHAHAHA

I think I've becoming a Jesus freak, without even meaning to as well. I guess my Mom's finally won, she's got me back in Bible Study. Interestingly enough, it's not bad

.... I enjoy it.

It could be for one of two reasons, either I'm actually starting to see religion in a less trivial light and actually take lessons that it teaches with me.

OR, and this makes me feel kinda bad, but I've asked God and he says we're chill about it,

I'm doing it because it gives me an excuse to see Hayley...

Once again, I feel guilty about that. Ah, the essence of Catholicism. But if God says we're chill, then I guess, we're...chill.

Still though, it does seem rather, I don't know, underhanded doesn't it? I haven't told anyone else about this, I don't think I can. Mostly because it seems everytime I give voice to how I'm feeling it always turns out in pretty shitty ways. It's become so hard to actually tell people how I'm feeling without slipping in a lie that it's almost becoming impossible to tell what is the truth and what isn't. I'm really scared about this which makes me feel even worse because I know a bunch of people have things going on with them that are way shittier and I don't have it in me to ring 'em up and lay my problems on them. Still, it's hard not having someone you can talk to face to face that you feel can make sense of a situation you can't. I always seem to be so good at it, but then when it comes down to your own problems you're rarely are very good at solving them. Hmm, it would be interesting to see what would happen if something I wanted I actually got wouldn't it? But then, life is a storm we have only ourselves and our faith to quiet it.

Amen

JESUS

I got accepted to University of Iowa!! JOYOUS!!
4/5!!

heehee

I was checking out their course load, they have SEVENTY SEVEN creative writing courses and work shops

SEVENTY SEVEN!! Good God, Plus
Plus
Plus
They have a specific 'Iowa Writiers' Learning Community Dorm...and they want a WRITING SAMPLE!! GAH
This is soooo awesome
SOOOOO AWESOME
GAH
This is only the second time I'll have my creative writing critically evaluated. THIS IS SO COOL!!
Plus
Plus
Plus
There are only 54 spots, which means only the creme de la creme get in, which also means, that if I get in, JESUS. that would be so cool
God this is so cooooooool

Lights,

Camera...

Are you prepared, to begin?

For the middle?

For the end?

How long will it take...

to take you? You deserve it

You do

How could it be anything but?

Anything but you.

The setting's up, the props are on. Everything's there

But the actors. The people that make it familiar

Make it home.

They're not home.

They're not here.

Or there,

Or anywhere.

Out of sight out of mind

Or does the absence make the heart grow fonder?

You could have been a star, here's to you kid.

Your life would have been made, here's to you kid.

If only you had stayed, here's to you girl.

Action

I would just like to pay tribute to a few people who have made this week FUCKING hilarious for me.

First, Ally who has the amazing ability to ruin someone's life over the internet who she doesn't even know. Get this.

(This is a dramatization)

Random Myspace Dude (RMD) - Hey check out my picz they is hella hot and need comments. OMG OMG OMG
Ally - .... No one fucking cares, get a life.
RMD - OMG, why are you so mean, this is the first good day of the last like 5 years. Don't judge me, why are you such a bitch. /whine
Ally - Technically since it's midnight I'm ruining the day after.
RMD - .... Why are you such a bitch? OMG
Ally - You seriously need to get a life. Jesus.
RMD - I cut myself and I've had a terrible life for the past five years so don't judge me bitch.
Ally - Boo-fuckin'-hoo.

Ah, LOVE.

Second to Arina, who has filled my heart with pure unadulterated LAUGHTER. It was like getting drunk off of unicorn smiles and leprachaun hugs. SERIOUSLY.

To Ally, I bestow the title of - Lady Ally of Internet Bitchiness
And Arina you are now Mistress of T3H AWESOME 1st FUCKING Class.

LOVE

I survived another Valentine's Day. Joyous.

Albeit I survived it half-smashed throughout the entire day. But hey, ends justify the means in my book so whatever.

By the by, to all those whom it concerns I'm sorry I haven't called of late but it's because my phone refuses to make international calls, it's TRES stupid. I've tried this entire week to fix it but as is obvious I've had no such luck.

On a completely different note, I have a very irritating urge to hit something does anyone know what to do about that besides hitting something?

It's Valentine's Day.

Let the record show that I loathe this holiday. Asides from the fact that it's fake, expensive and commercial, there's also the self-centered reason that I always find myself alone on this day, every year, for the past...well my entire life. I have to say that if anything COULD blow, this definetely does. I've been really good at keeping my mind off of how lonely I've started to become, but I think this day just sort of brings it all home. The fact that I'm sitting here typing this is reason enough for self-pity.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. Where ever you are.

I have to say I like this

Kudos to Arina for finding this first

<td align="center"> You are Jack of Hearts.
(Your alter-ego is Eric)

Your super-hero ability:

Use your x-ray eyes to undress your sexy enemies

'What is your superhero ability?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Me : Do you hate me?
You : Why would you think so?
Me : Why can't you answer the question?
You : Why can't you come up with another one?
Me : I just want to know.
You : Statement, 1 - 0
Me : Alright, do you love me?
You : Don't you have the faintest clue?
Me : WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!
You : Because it's more fun that way.
Me : AHA, Statement, 1 - 1.
You : Are you mad?
Me : Rhetorical, 1 - 2.
You : Could you be more insane?
Me : Rhetorical 1 - 3.
Me : Did I ever make sense?
You : Don't you remember?
Me : Do you?
You : Don't turn this back on me.
Me : STATEMENT 1 - 4. Match point
You : You enjoy this don't you?
Me : Don't you find it enjoyable?
You : Have you ever been eaten alive?
Me : Have you ever been in love?
You : You know the answer to that.
Me : Statement again. Looks like I win sweetheart.

Remember it's not the answers that count. It's the questions.

Well, howdy ho

I have been so very bored lately, borderline depressed even but I wouldn't go that far, thinking about it makes me seem like an idiot. I did learn something interesting today, apparently, July 15th in Japan is Uminohi, the Day of the Ocean. I guess the Japanese can't have a holiday without a reason so the Emperor stepped out and said "Alright guys, here's what I'm gonna do, you're all getting a day off and it's because of the ocean, so since it's nice outside why don't you go down to the beach and thank it." And that's what they do, they ALL go down to the beach and hang out, it's like Ocean Appreciation Day up in J to the Pan. Other than that, it's been pretty boring, apparently there was this sophmore girl who gave a guy head during a party whilst drunk. And here's the clincher, she's being called a whore for it, wow, that's how screwed up this school is. Watch out, I might KISS someone and earn the title Master Playa. Not that I don't have that already, it's on a card in my wallet. Reads: Eric "T3H N1NJ4" Buzzard - Masta Playa Esq.